Being called to my purpose the first time in my life for me, was the feeling of being free from my years of chronic pain. I was 16 years old.
I had just experienced a process where I connected to my deepest truth, cleared away a core limiting belief around the abandonment of my biological father and realised how much potential we all have as human beings to make profound change no matter the hopelessness of the situation.
Growing up I realise now that I continued to ask myself the following big questions;
How do I fit into this world? Am I a sinner just for being me? Am I good enough to be worthy of love?
I would question reality and if it were possible for things to exist that we couldn’t see or fully understand. I felt this way from a young age as I felt connected to something bigger than me and knew I had a big life to live.
I would be looking for love outside of me to validate that I was okay and a good human being.
Feeling shame, guilt and not good enough. All of these very unconscious but very dictorial of my experiences. Later in life I came to realise that I adopted a lot of guilt around the fact my Mother and I left the UK to come to Australia and in needing to, had to give my two older (half) sisters back to their guardians.
Not having my biological father in my life had me feeling not loved and not good enough for him. And growing up as a Catholic in Primary School had me perceive it to be that I was being told to feel guilty for being a human who sins and that I had to ask for forgiveness constantly from a being outside of me. That I was a sinner for just being me.
My pillars of power that held together my disillusions of not being good enough, were: My biological Father cheating on my mother and moving on with this other woman, with another child all before I was 18 months old. Of course, as a baby I couldn’t consciously know this or process this yet the triggers in my life have been about being replaced, not fitting in, feeling unworthy and not good enough as I am. I came to learn what happened as a baby when I was an adult yet I could trace back all the times these unconscious memory imprints had played out in my life.
Feeling like I needed someone else to tell me that I am okay and loved leading to unconscious co-dependence on an intimate partner was another pattern in my life. This caused me to try to sabotage any relationship that felt really loving and good. I fundamentally felt I didn’t deserve to be loved so I would push my partner away on an energetic level.
My biggest catalyst for change in stepping into my truest potential has been as an aspiring entrepreneur, sick of struggling financially in my business that is a true expression of my passion and purpose. For many years in my young career, I just couldn’t seem to make my coaching and training business my full time income. I continued to pick up other jobs that were not my purpose to bring in money whilst treating my business as a hobby.
There came a moment where I realised the culmination of my patterns of feeling not good enough, guilt, unworthiness and co dependence issues have played out enough in my life and to love myself enough to work on myself each day and to step into my personal power completely. In order to do this, I needed to let go of any codependent relationships I had particularly in the place of business and step into my potential independently and fully. This took deep self-awareness, self-forgiveness and self-love to just trust myself completely – all of my self, including the parts of me that are beyond my conscious awareness – to trust in my higher self, my connectedness to the bigger picture and all of who I am.
I continue to discern who I align myself with and to make sure I am self reliant and on path through my business. It is a continuing developing journey of self reflection and personal growth that extends into the growth and evolution of my business in my overall mission & message.
And so with all of this that I have experienced and in helping hundreds of students and clients step into their potential and purpose, I have come to understand that as we look within and heal our pasts, we connect with who we really are and deepen our self love.
My purpose is to help 100 thousand women, connect with their inner wisdom, heal their disillusions about themselves and deepen their self love. To have them love who they really are on all levels so they create lives they absolutely love.
Written April 2019 with inspiration from Mark Bowness ‘We Build Tribes”.